Wednesday, September 28, 2016

If you're going through hell....

If you are going through hell..keep going.

My theory on that quote comes full circle, that if you enter it, you must be able to exit it.  That is something I have always carried with me, since I was a young adult with a heart so broken over a boy that I thought I might actually stop breathing out of utter sadness. Dramatic?..yes. But, I feel with every piece of me, entirely consumed, but also intrigued by pain; more-so, the ability to heal.   I carried it with me when my mother died. I watched her take her last breath, and her body lay still and stiff in a hospice bed..and I bent down to her face and she was gone..and I suffocated for moments. I left this world for moments, and I went through hell and hung out there for a very long time. I found a way out, I found a way to heal, to get through hell. Some of which was not very smart or healthy.  Sometimes I'd close my eyes while driving fast, to see what would happen. Other times, I'd drift off into a haze of bottles and pills and turn the world off. And, some days, I'd go for 4-5 hour road runs with nothing but not enough water and music for no reason except to run away. And then those some days turned into more days...and then some more. And, when I felt that physical pain, I didn't embrace it or enjoy it as much as related to it on a level that I'm still not sure I can put into words accurately or articulately.  The best way I can is to say it was my only friend in the world that i could relate to and who understood me.  Somehow the pain that came from running for hours on empty ate the sadness that wrapped around me like ivy. The sadness became tangible and I could control it. I could hold on to it for hours, I could fight it, I could tell it not to leave me yet..or I could tell it to go fuck itself and keep running through it,  or to it, or from it...I'm not sure which..probably depended on the day

I realized over the last few weeks that the things that drives each of us to the mountains or the road is very different, and that to me is a beautiful diversity of unique individuals with wildly varying fires in their bellies, hearts, and legs.

 I paced 3 runners in 100 mile race's in the last 2 weeks.  Backup- I paced or accompanied 3 friends in their own  unique endeavors and adventures.

It was wild being on the other side of a 100 mile run.  Not that I have done so many- which is why it is all so interesting, intense, and exciting for me to watch and hopefully help someone in these very never-ending-esqe forward motions.  Goals, reasons, decisions, motivation, perseverance, ups that come fast and downs that come faster, mentally speaking.  The only thing that I find comforting when you are feeling so down and quite frankly, like total dog shit..is that nothing lasts forever, not even hell; and the most eye opening and profound thing I learned is that it is your own hell, and your own decision to exit when you're ready.  And, I'm speaking both literally and metaphorically.  I have yet to reach peace with pain. Perhaps it's the cross I strap to my back like my pack.

I'm so proud of my friends. Proud to call them friends and humbled by their efforts and even more in love with dirt than i ever though possible.  What a trip man.

  

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Nadine Gordimer