Monday, April 25, 2016

R & R & Re-charge.

It's so easy to feel defeated or sorry for yourself when your world and unfortunate circumstances leaves you feeling like the "why me?" victim. It's very easy to dilute those in a cocktail with your ankle in a bucket of ice-
Ahh, so, there it is, there it  always is. injury. "why me"? Why is it always me?

I ran a free locally organized trail  marathon a week or so ago.  6,250 feet of climbing. A month before, I ran 50 miles out at Antelope Island, a disaster of a race due to stomach issues that I have spent the last month fixing. Found out I'm lactose intolerant, have had a horrific bacteria for who knows how long, as it led to an ulcer at the base of my esophagus. Im happy as shit that I figured out why I was puking blood and stomach lining at every race besides Wasatch in the last year, and then boom- ankle pain. Bad ankle pain- or fibula pain where it meets the ankle to be more specific. Bone pain in the lower extremities is a big old nightmarish red flag to Stop. And Stop Now, like 5 min ago Now. 

Driving back from car pool line this morning, I turned up the music as I always do. Loud like a teenager to re-live a brief moment of solitude and defiance.  ..."ya know the one thing you're fighting to hold, will be the one thing you have to let go..."

heavy footed I drove faster to the 7-11 to pick up a bag of ice and a coffee with NON -DAIRY powder creamer, yuck- but i'm done mourning cheese and cream- it's not a death sentence, just a change.
-However, here I am falling into "why me?" Well, fuck that. Shit happens to everyone, everyone has their problems, and that's life. By the time I was back in my car with ice for my ankle and shitty coffee for my soul, I had changed my perspective:

It's a set-back. A temporary time to rest. And, I'm going to squeeze every drop of the good out of this pain that I can. I have run 3 races since February, I have  been through the ringer with my tummy, I think I have run all winter smart and strong. Ive gotta look at this as a rest to rejuvenate my bones, my muscles, my love of the training and warm mornings that are on the horizon. I have some big things planned in the near future, and if I play the fiddle of my body correct, I will be able to run these things and enjoy them. Minimal training for ultras has been my process since last years sidelined winter. 12 weeks..maybe more, maybe less...I can't remember exactly, just that it felt like a really effin' long time.

It's a rest, a break, a time to get healthy for the Grand Canyon in 4 weeks. I've never been, and I get to go see it from rim to rim to rim on foot, with friends. I have been wanting to do this since I learned I was capable of running long distances and for a long time. It's been something I have wanted to do for several years, and  I'm super stoked about it.

It's a re-set, set-back, re-rejuvenate, re-invent training time to get healthy and strong for my third 100 mile race on June 16, the Bryce 100. I'm also super excited about this too! I get giddy thinking about the long full mooned night, followed by a bursting sunrise in the out of this world Southern Utah desert sky. Butterflies dance in my belly imagining the  last 25 miles when the end is in your back pocket and you can see it, every painful step and tear and smile to get to that place, and collapse happy and tired and fulfilled. I have friends coming with me to support me, run with me, do all those things that your running people do for you, because they get it. -And, you will do it for them too.

If all goes well, which I really hope and am confidant it will, I'll end my racing for the year pretty early with the beastliest of the 50k distance. The 10th year of the Speedgoat 50k, for my third time. This race, as everyone knows is a monster. A monster which destroyed me every minute of  12+ hours last year. It's so brutal and relentless that it is the only race, besides the Wasatch100 that has brought me to tears before it even begins. That dance is on July 9. (and I heard there's a chance my friend could possibly make this race even harder this year)

After that, I take another rest- this one planned, not because something hurts.  We will head out of town to see family across the country, ending our summer with a beach week in August. After the MONSTER , It's casual running for me, as my friends will be in the thick of their 100 mile training. Of course, Ill join them on running the courses and long saturdays, but my pressure and race anxiety will be over. Running for fun with friends and fitness and views and laughs and experiences and sanity. So, Im also very excited about September; crewing and pacing the ladies who have picked me up emotionally and physically so many times. First up will be the Wasatch 100, where I will be Betsy's pacer and whatever she needs. 33 miles from brighton to the finish with her, and it will be great and hard.  Then, 2 weeks later, pacing and crewing my partner  and mentor in this dirty world- The Bear100 where I will be Cheryl's pacer and pain in the ass for 25 miles.

So- Im excited. And, Im bummed. But, it will be fine, patience and discipline and intelligence will be imperative the next few weeks, to get me to all these amazingly hard things coming up.

But for today, it's work, ice, kiddos, and shitty coffee.

Friday, April 8, 2016

When I dream of Michelango

I cleared my head as I slept
and yet there's that
face I met.

The one with the spark
the one with the laugh
touched in the dark
delivered from my past.

How are you here?
So close and so far
thousands of days
thousands of scars.

Twisted on the hood of that car
Rain pouring down
moving like tar
I can't hear a sound.

Along came a ghost
and the floor dropped out
sad humming crows
just a dream and years of drought.

They can be so real
these pictures in our heads
I could smell you, your hands I could feel.
Holding on so tight!
But then you melted away,
like a storm at light.
like Utah's snow in May. 
A black and white checkered cover
like a scattered lover
rocks at a window
joy discovered
music, so much music
dancing in trees
these dreams distorted
But I know what it means...
Can I write this?
Can I feel this?
You've been gone so long
dead but alive
here but gone.
dry from the rain
right not wrong.

I woke up and cried
in the middle of the room,
 hands are tied.
I can't find you in bloom.

I'm not allowed to tip the boats
I just teeter at sea
and empty into these notes,
as useless as they can be.

...Saturn on a line
A sun afire on strings and wires
To spin above my head and make it right
But any time you like
You can catch a sight of angel eyes all emptiness and infinite

And I dream of Michelangelo when I'm lying in my bed
I see god upon the ceiling I see angels overhead
And he seems so close as he reaches out his hand
But we are never quite as close as we are led to understand...


No one can really know Everything about you, but

I cannot live with someone who can't live without me.
Nadine Gordimer