Monday, April 28, 2014

..Not about running

Baltimore Bred-> Salt Lake Fled
"Didn't know I was lost "

Strangely, I am drawn to my blog only to describe the uttermost emotions that come with ultra running, lately.  I tend to go head over heels in all things I love- so it's no surprise that running has become as much a part of my life as anything else.   So, to my dearest friends and closest family, I apologize for my repetitive posts, pictures of a mountain, or the the blazing sunrises; as they may just be just rocks or the blue sky to you.

But, a loooong time ago, as it feels to me, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing when I packed my LL.Bean monogrammed duffel bag (oh, and my sisters, I hope she didn't want that back) packed my belongings, which was really a collection of Roxy shirts and hoodies from the Rugged Warehouse or Ross dress for less, and a dual cassette and 3 CD carousel stereo ,and moved out west.

Like, I really had no fucking idea what I was doing! lol. This is so funny to this mom of 2 who now meal plans, reads washing instructions, volunteers at school, and gets up every morning at 4:45am to run.  Perhaps, I am too dependent upon this need to get outside and move as far as I can with the scarce time I have before my little world wakes up; Perhaps, it is too much of my life which is plenty full with 2 little girls, a husband, a house, a lovely old dog...a family across the country who I visit  as often as I can.  But, it's something I won't let be taken from me. It's something I won't give up, as it is essential for this feeling of completeness. I refuse to be a victim of time, or sleep, or self worth. Ive done that, didn't work for me.

For many years, I forgot why I moved to Utah. I forgot what drove me from Maryland like a bat out of hell, like a caged bird, freed...or, maybe like a coward, running away; because life was too hard, too unhappy, too much not living.

I was running away.  I was really heartbroken over a boy- how original? But, it was true. I ran away from discipline and rules and curfews. But,  I also  ran away from bottles, and drugs, and self destruction. And, I ran away from a systematic life evolution that I did not fit in to; I tried to mold, I tried to fit, but I was crooked, bent, upside down, like a frown.

I found something outdoors that struck a chord in me. A peaceful chord, that although I sported with long skirts and braids, I never actually felt until I was outside of my life in Baltimore; that always felt chaotic. Even in the deafening silence of nothing, the chaos in me roared and moaned in ultra highs and self loathing lows. A bouncy ball popping off walls and then rolling slowly under the couch still and alone, until something picked me up and threw me again.
So, I ran to Utah with  friends in one's beat to shit Toyota. And, we drove through the night changing cassette tapes every 2 hours, bathing in the sinks at rest stops across middle America; drinking coffees the size of our forearms, and counting miles by 100's. I was 21 and playing in the snow. At peace in the cold dry air, outside in the wet chilly spring, outside in the warm 6am mornings, and outside in base layers and gloves moving, working, then running again..but not away this time.

I've jumped off course over the years when life gets too hard, too unhappy, or too not enough living, again. And,I still have no idea what I'm doing, but Now, I know I'm doing whatever it is, right. Simply living in the present has been the biggest gift I've been given. 


No one can really know Everything about you, but

I cannot live with someone who can't live without me.
Nadine Gordimer